9/19/05 Going To The Movies-Recently, my wife and I had the opportunity to be out for an evening, and we decided to see a movie.  Now mind you when we go, which is rare, we try to maximize the experience by seeing something that we are sure will be worth our limited, valuable time.  I am not implying that my time is any more important than anybody else's, its just that, well, it is my time.

We chose a movie based on an actor that we both enjoy, and set off to be entertained.

What we got was a night of captivity.  While the acting was wonderful, the story interesting, the cast, put together very well.  There was an overwhelming undertone throughout the movie.  "The bad United States encourages the running of illegal fire arms to various parts of the world, that the USA would look very bad is supplying directly."  The movie told the story of a Ukrainian Immigrant who fell into the world of illegal arms transportation and sales.  It showed his rise, and implied that while he was constantly hounded by American Customs Agents, there were quiet voices within our Government, who aided and encouraged his actions.  In one of the final scenes, he was taken out of custody by an unidentified American Government Official, because, he, (arms dealer,) was too important to "out interests."

At the beginning of the movie, the movie's star, made the statement that the "world has over 550 million fire arms, one gun for every 12 people.  My job is finding a way to supply the other 11."

At the end of the movie there were more stats, including the one that said the United States was among the world leaders in illegal arms sales.

So, while the movie was entertaining, my wife and I were in a sense, held hostage, (yes we could have left, we chose to stay.)

This particular movie was one of the more gory, violent films that I have seen in my life.  In addition there were a number of scenes that depicted strong sexual content.  What made our evening particularly uncomfortable was the fact that there were several children, 8 years old and younger who had been brought in by their parents.  This movie was disturbing to me, I can only imagine how the children might have received it.

All throughout the movie the character in the movie, also the director, continuously rationalized his job, saying "what they do with these weapons is not my business."  Just as I am sure, he must also rationalize in real life, making a movie like this, that at some point will surely be viewed by little children.  

"The movie is rated R, I have absolved myself of responsibility.  If a child sees this movie, it is his parent's fault."  I can just hear the actor/director rationalizing the making of this movie, much in the same way his character in the movie saying "what they do with these weapons is not my business."

The point is, with DVD rentals, at some point this movie is going to find it's way into people's home.  Yes, I am painfully aware that some parents allow their children to see and experience, unthinkable things.  Still, in a movie, so heavily laden with political statement, and editorial, I found it ironic that the actor/director's attempt to make a point about the character in the movie's rationalization of his business, was upstaged by a completely different, and unintended rationalization of the actor/director's business.

Certainly it is a parent's responsibility to make sure their children do not see things that they are not equipped to deal with.   Still, if the movie making industry would cooperate, and not hide behind ratings, then...............I guess there wouldn't be very many movies.

8/10/05 Thankful-There are times when I feel that life has got me down, when things aren't going well.  Yes, there are even times when I think that my problems are overwhelming, and that "poor old me," has it real tough.

When ever I catch myself feeling sorry for me, I am usually jolted back to reality, when I consider that there are people in this world whose homes and neighborhoods are part of a battlefield.  Those people whose homes are part of a battlefield, find a way to live fulfilling lives, they find things to be thankful for, so what am I complaining about?

Sometimes when I feel like life's pressures are too much for me, I stop and consider that there are people in this world who do not know where their next meal is going to come from.  Their resources are not abundant, that they can simply walk to a refrigerator, or go through a fast food line.  Yet, even these people find a way to celebrate joys in their lives and are thankful for every mouthful of food.

When I am so busy that there is no "me time," I get frustrated and cranky.  "What about me, I think."  And then I consider that there are people out there with catastrophic illness, many of whom have limited days.  These are people who come to appreciate every minute of life.  They are thankful for every extra day they have to spend with loved ones and family.  Living is priceless to these people.  How dare I complain that I have too much to do?

Whenever you think you have it bad, you will be able to look around and find someone else, who has it worse.  No matter how bad your situation is, someone has it worse.

I admire the way these people handle their adversity.  They are thankful for what they have.  It makes me feel......thankful. 

8/10/05 Is This Funny Or What?-Do you think.......

• The people in Turkey worry about the people in Hungary?
• The people in Hungary would ever stuff Turkey with Chile?
• The people in Hungary would ever stuff Turkey with Chile, cook it in Greece, on Iraq (a rack,) and serve it on China? Would they add a Danish on the side?
• The people in Hungary would ever stuff Turkey with Chile, cook it in Greece, on Iraq (a rack,) and serve it on China? Would they add a Danish on the side?  And would they be Russian to eat it?  
• When they were done, would they be Finnish? (from Finland.)
• Would they serve French fries?

7/10/05 R.A.K.'s-My son and I went to a ball game the other night, arriving about twenty minutes before game time.  Our fast gate to the ticket office became a much less inspired, "awe-shucks" slow-march, when we saw the line of about 30 people ahead of us waiting to buy tickets.  

"Oh well, so much for watching fielding and batting practice," I thought.  About that time a voice from behind me said, "are you guys buying tickets?"  I looked and said that we were.  "My family cannot use these tonight and you may have them if you would like them," the friendly stranger said.

"Thank you!" I replied,   "Wow, I thought to myself, it paid itself back to me."  You see, this is a deed that my family practices when the opportunity arises.  Sometimes, we have extra tokens at the batting cages, or an extra movie ticket, or something, and it came back to us.  I was so impressed that I called my wife to inform her, that our good deeds had come back to us.  

At that point I noticed  that there were three tickets in the envelop, and I only needed two.  Immediately I was determined to get this "passing it on thing," going again, and sure enough, we found a person who was going to buy a single ticket, and he was as appreciative as I had been.

I have a friend whose name is Jim and he does something that I think is really neat.  Once a month, he will actually set out to commit an R.A.K.  It may be at the movies, it may be in a fast food restaurant, or it can be just about anywhere, he will leave some extra money with a cashier and instruct the cashier to use it against the next person in line's cost.  Jim says that the cashier is usually quite taken back by this, after all, paying for the next person is so random.  By the time the next person finishes ordering or purchasing, Jim is long gone, so there is no way that there can be any awkward "thank you (s)" or a chance to wonder about any ulterior motives.  The message is clear, "you have been the victim of an R.A.K.  Random Act of Kindness.

So taken in am I by this practice that I propose that each of you who reads this, commit yourself to some kind of R.A.K on a monthly basis, many, I know, already do this.   Don't expect anything in return, but patiently wait to see how long it takes before someone does something like this for you.  "The more of these that we do, the faster they will come back to us." This is my hypothesis.  Do you think it could be possible that R.A.K.'s could replace R.A.V's (acts of violence?)  I bet if you took inventory, you would come to realize that the kindness still does outnumber the violence, it's just that the violence is so troubling and sensationalized, that I think we probably need to "pour the kindness on big time."

6/19/05 Watching The Birds-I suppose that one thing I am aware of about myself is that I am an observer of the world around me.  I get a lot of this from my children who often see things that I over look.  "Dad, look at that lady bug, it's spots are bigger than the rest of the other lady bugs."  My children have helped me hone my observation skills.

On the pool deck this Spring we had a couple of Swallows build a next above a door way, (I guess the property in San Juan Capistrano must be too expensive.)  Besides the mess that they left on the ground, (the next was over the door way,) I was impressed by their meticulous nature.  Every twig in that next had to be perfect and neither one stopped to rest, until it was just right.

She then proceeded to stay in that nest for a long time, I am assuming that she was both laying the eggs and keeping them warm, but again, her diligence impressed, me.  She was well aware of my presence each time I check on her, as well as everyone else's, but her commitment to her unborn babies was primary and it was clear to me that nothing would sway her from her job.

After a couple of weeks, the noticeable sound of new voices could be heard coming from the nest, and mother was no longer there.  The tops of four heads could be seen popping over the edge of the nest.  Mother would appear, seemingly from nowhere constantly, dive-bombing anyone who dared get too close, it was clear to me that even though she wasn't right on top of them, she was in control.

Feeding the babies was systematic and precise.  Chirping mouth on the left most side of the nest, got the first bite, she would leave and then return to chirping mouth the next in from the left, and then the next in from that, and finally to the chirping mouth all of the way to the right of the nest.  I watched this closely wondering if she ever changed her pattern  She didn't.  She was consistent.  I couldn't tell one chirping mouth from the other, but her message was clear, if you are the hungriest, sit far to the left,  this consistent parenting I am sure, worked for her.  I am certain her babies learned.

As time went on, this pattern continued.  Soon, there were only three in the nest, one had left and was now sitting on the wire, next to the door.  Within an hour, another got up the courage to test it's wings and by the end of the day, there were three babies, sitting on the wire by the door.  

The next morning, when I came to the pool deck, there was still one in the nest, and there were three out flying around the pool area, each being groomed to fly as low to water as possible, to do whatever it is Swallows do, when they dip the water like they do.  Still, one client, refused to leave that nest.  At one point, I happened to be near that door of the pool office, when all in one big motion, mother blasted into that nest, knocked that last one right out, without falling to the ground, the last one, got its wings, and immediately began flying. It was an amazing thing to watch.

Over the following weeks, I have watched that mother take charge of the those four babies, and I am telling you she has them marching in a straight line, there is no messing around with mother.

It occurs to me that the best lesson in parenting was being presented to me.  She was on top of those babies, she wasn't leaving anything to chance.  She protected her babies from predators, she allowed them explore their new world, but gave them a sharp peck when they strayed too far.  She sat them on that wire showed them how to do certain things.  It really grabbed my attention, because as humans, we naturally think that we are supreme at everything.  I don't imagine that this Swallow family was any different than any other Swallow family.  I am sure they have the same "issues."

Watching the Swallows was an eye opening experience for me.  It's really no different in the human world.  Protect them from predators, allow them to experience adversity in controlled amounts.  Model behaviors that you want your babies to learn, if you don't want them to do those things, then don't model the behavior.

I learned all of this watching the birds.

6/08/05 Parenting.  I don't claim to be an expert at parenting.  Sure I write about a lot of things that I see, but what scares me the most, is that my job is a job in progress, and how well I do, won't be revealed to me until many decades from now.  Once my results are revealed to me, my children will be hard headed adults, just like myself, and you know what they say about teaching old dogs new tricks.  The point is, I only have one chance to get this right.  I don't believe as a parent, you have to be right every time, but in the grand scheme of things, you have to be right more than you are wrong, and when you are wrong, you have to be able to address it, by owning up to your mistake, talking it over with your child, and trying to move forward.

The one thing that I would say that I am certainly sure of when it comes to parenting, is that as a parent, you can never give up trying.

Several years back I had a mother come to me in my classroom.  She was perplexed, frustrated, angry, desperate, beside herself and any number of other words I could type that depict these terms.  "Mr. Nighswonger," she said, "Johnny, (not his real name,) is not going to drop out of school.  I will do whatever I have to do, I will take away whatever I have to take away, I am going to die trying if I have to." 

She continued to question me about his performance, "what does he do in class?" was one of the questions that she asked me, and I explained that he generally was disruptive, and didn't stay on task very much.  Then it dawned on me, "would you like to come into class and observe him?"  I asked her.  She stated that not only did she want to come in and watch him, but since so many of his problems stemmed from his not doing the class work that was assigned, that she would like to "sit behind him and kick him in the butt!"

I was so impressed by this woman's determination that I suggested she come into my classroom and she wanted to sit behind him and make him do his work!

My head was swimming with scenarios and legal issues.  "I better make sure it is OK for me to allow you into my class to begin with, but I will let you know what I find out," I told her.

Not knowing whether or not my school administration would consent to allowing a parent onto campus, much less into a class room,  I made my way to my principal's office, ready to accept defeat if I had over stepped my bounds.  I was relived and a little bit surprised when my principal thought it was a good idea, he knew young Johnny and was willing to try the extreme, to make something work.

As for young Johnny, (16 years old by the way,) how would he react to his mother sitting behind him, "cramping his style," after all, he was "cool" and this could really damage his "street cred," you know, having mom go to class with him.

To make a long story short, young Johnny made some great strides, there was never a confrontation with his mom, and he did well enough to stay in school and I learned that there is no such thing as "I have done all I can do with him."

I often translate messages in this column.  I translate messages because many of these messages are lies that we tell ourselves to get us off the hook, to remove our responsibility in a matter and in the case of parenting, to wash our hands of any influence that we should have in a situation, but do not, largely because we have given up.  (Wow, that was a lot of words to say "given up.")

There are a couple of warning statements that I lock onto when I hear them from a frustrated parent, (again, I don't claim to know all of the answers, I am as likely to make excuses for my short comings as anyone, the difference perhaps being that I monitor myself for signs that I am failing in my job to be a good parent.)

• "Junior is 16 and he is his own man, he can make his own decisions."
• "I have tried every thing with him and he still doesn't complete tasks."

The above statements are really serious denial statements.  Each one somehow eliminating parental responsibility.  After all, if you have tried everything, and still the behavior continues, then it sounds like our 16 year old is "getting over on mom and dad," and we can't have that!

I especially love the challenge of "having tried everything."  It is inevitable that I will go back to the early 1990's, and that mother, whose name I cannot remember, and how she went way beyond the standard, "I have tried everything."  She actually did.

When I hear, "we've tried everything," I recognize this as a "we give up," statement.  If you have tried everything, then there is nothing left you can do.  If there is nothing left you can do, doesn't it sound like you've stopped caring?  Doesn't it sound like you've stopped loving?

"But we've tried everything with that kid and still he doesn't do his homework, or study for his tests."  -Have you tried going to class with him?  -Have you helped him develop some goals, both short term and long term?  What? You still own a Play Station or X Box?  I hear you can sell those things on E-Bay.  You can't give up being a parent.

To The Students Who Read This-GET TO WORK, YOU'RE KILLING YOUR PARENTS!

5/07/05 The Meaning Of Life.  Is this you?  The dread begins to grow somewhere late in the afternoon on Sunday.  At first, it is undetectable.  However with each passing hour the feeling begins to grow, and you begin to sour.  Tomorrow's Monday.  Five long days until the weekend, "will I ever make it?"

Monday comes like a long, slow, train that blocks your car from crossing the tracks so you can get on down the road.  That long, slow train slows even more, "no, it is not going to stop and block this road, tell me it's not going to block this road"....The train stopped!  The car next to me, the driver is rolling his eyes, "I'm with you brother, can you believe the train would stop like....what?"  Now it's going backwards?  "Switching cars?  We'll be here forever!"  That's Monday.  A long slow train.

Tuesday's a turtle.  By now, all of the week's tasks are laid out ahead of you.  They are coming in from all directions.  You ever watch a turtle?  He takes three slow steps in one direction and eats a leaf.  He chews, and chews, and chews.  He takes three slow steps in another direction.  There's another leaf, another task.  He eats it.  He chews, and chews and chews.  Three more steps, and another leaf, and so on, and so on, and so on.  Tuesday is a Turtle.

Wednesday is a rolling ball on a hill.  The tasks have to be completed by Friday.  Deadlines are imminent.  What you do on Wednesday is crucial to how your day will be on Friday.  If your tasks are completed early on Friday, then your weekend is longer.  If you have to work up to the final moments on Friday, then you get cheated out of part of your weekend.  If that ball is allowed to roll too long, the slope of the hill will take it away from you, faster and faster, meaning you will have to run farther and farther to get it.  You have to get it.  You can't let that ball keep rolling, it could roll for miles.  You want Friday to be stress free, so you better get those tasks completed today.  Wednesday is a ball rolling on a hill.  

I hope your hill isn't too steep.

Thursday is a Bat at Dusk.  Not a scary Bat, just a regular one.  Have you watched a Bat at Dusk?  Many people think that Bats are "disgusting, hideous," creatures. "Rats with wings!"  A Bat at dusk is a "darting, swerving, speeding, unpredictably flying in random directions," creature.  If you ever watch one you will begin to understand why people sometimes say that a person is "Batty," when they mean that person is "crazy."  To all of the world, the Bat at Dusk is out of control, all over the place.  To me, that's what Thursday is.  The tasks that we want completed are buzzing all around us, we must protect our Friday!  Thursday is a Bat at Dusk.

Friday is a finish line.  You get to cross it when you have successfully completed all of the tasks along the course of your week.  If you're lucky, that finish line comes early in the day, and you have the rest of the day to relax and unwind. If you're not so lucky that finish line comes late in the day, you don't get much time to breath.  Friday is a finish line.

Saturday is a blink of the eye.  What happened to Saturday?  At least you still have Sunday.

Sunday is smile with weights at each corner.  Because as each hour passes, that weight on the smile begins to pull at each side, until that smile begins to look like a frown, because, well, Monday is tomorrow.

From this point on you don't have to read the dark narrative, you already did.  Read the blue comments for each day.  I think it will help.

Monday comes like a long, slow, train that blocks your car from crossing the tracks so you can get on down the road.  That long, slow train slows even more, "no, it is not going to stop and block this road, tell me it's not going to block this road"....The train stopped!  In the car next to me, the driver is rolling his eyes, "I'm with you brother, can you believe the train would stop like....what?"  Now it's going backwards?  "Switching cars?  We'll be here forever!"  That's Monday.  A long slow train.  I love long slow trains.  I love the power in the diesels, I love the squeak of the wheels and creak of the tracks.  Do you ever stop and think about what might be inside all of those box cars, those containers, those tank cars?  Have you ever thought about maybe, just maybe inside one of those cars is the new TV or automobile that you have on order?  Where is that train going?  Where has it come from?  "Oh come on!  That's just plain silly talk.  It's just a train, and it's blocking my road!"  I love long slow trains.

Tuesday's a turtle.  By now, all of the week's tasks are laid out ahead of you.  They are coming in from all directions.  You ever watch a turtle?  He takes three slow steps in one direction and eats a leaf.  He chews, and chews, and chews.  He takes three slow steps in another direction.  There's another leaf, another task.  He eats it.  He chews, and chews and chews.  Three more steps, and another leaf, and so on, and so on, and so on.  Tuesday is a Turtle.  That Turtle is probably the most efficient creature there is.  Oh, he is terribly slow to watch, but you know what?  He doesn't do anything without a purpose.  Every move he makes, every breath he takes, every leaf he eats, every bug he greets......Has purpose.

What's more, is that slow, but sure determination to complete every task.  I'm sure the Turtle celebrates, in his own, "Turtle-like way," every leaf he eats.  "There, that job is done, where's the next one."  Don't you feel good about completing a task?  Wow, "boom, bing, bam!"  Those three tasks are done.  What's next? 

Wednesday is a rolling ball on a hill.  The tasks have to be completed by Friday.  Deadlines are imminent.  What you do on Wednesday is crucial to how your day will be on Friday.  If your tasks are completed early on Friday, then your weekend is longer.  If you have to work up to the final moments on Friday, then you get cheated out of part of your weekend.  If that ball is allowed to roll too long, the slope of the hill will take it away from you, faster and faster, meaning you will have to run farther and farther to get it.  You have to get it.  You can't let that ball keep rolling, it could roll for miles.  You want Friday to be stress free, so you better get those tasks completed today.  Wednesday is a ball rolling on a hill.  

I hope your hill isn't too steep.  

I have stood and watched in frustration as that ball rolls down the hill, many, many times.  Watching the ball roll, you feel so helpless, because you know with every rotation of the ball, it creates more and more work for you, a longer and longer distance that you ultimately have to go, to recover the ball.

Because of these experiences, I have learned to chase down that ball right away.  If it gets by me and starts to roll, I'm on it like a flash!  I think it's one of those things that only years can teach you.  Hey, that ball is rolling away from you.  Sitting there and wanting it to come back, only creates more work.  GO GET IT NOW!

Thursday is a Bat at Dusk.  Not a scary Bat, just a regular one.  Have you watched a Bat at Dusk?  Many people think that Bats are "disgusting, hideous," creatures. "Rats with wings!"  A Bat at dusk is a "darting, swerving, speeding, unpredictably flying in random directions," creature.  If you ever watch one you will begin to understand why people sometimes say that a person is "Batty," when they mean that person is "crazy."  To all of the world, the Bat at Dusk is out of control, all over the place.  To me, that's what Thursday is.  The tasks that we want completed are buzzing all around us, we must protect our Friday!  Thursday is a Bat at Dusk.  If you've seen Bats At Dusk, then this may have some meaning.  If you haven't, then you might think I am............"Batty."

Dusk is when the flying bugs come out.  They don't come out in the heat of the day, and they don't do well with the cool of night.  The flying bugs come out at Dusk.  Dusk doesn't last that long, maybe 30 minutes.  Bats love to eat those flying bugs.  Guess what?  Those Bats have about thirty minutes to eat enough to survive.  I guess you'd be pretty frantic if you had to get all of your tasks done in thirty minutes.

Flying bugs are pretty random.  They don't have regular flight patterns, and they are especially evasive, when hungry Bats are chasing them.  So to the untrained eye that thinks Bats are "darting, swerving, speeding, unpredictably random, hideous, creatures,"   Think about what your Thursdays are like, and gain some appreciation for what a Bat has to do.

Friday is a finish line.  You get to cross it when you have successfully completed all of the tasks along the course of your week.  If you're lucky, that finish line comes early in the day, and you have the rest of the day to relax and unwind. If you're not so lucky that finish line comes late in the day, you don't get much time to breathe.  Friday is a finish line.  Friday is a starting line.  OK, life is hard.  There are a lot of things that we are responsible for, with more and more being added every day.  If this sounds like you, then what are you going to do about it?  Are you going to be stopped by a finish line, or are you going to be "started up," by a different line?

Saturday is a blink of the eye.  What happened to Saturday?  At least you still have Sunday.

If the weekend has been your focus all week, then it is time to go to work!  If you live for the weekend, then the weekend is for living!

I don't claim to have any special powers.  But I know I don't dread Monday's anymore, heck, I even enjoy Sunday afternoons and Sunday Evenings.

I like to squeeze every ounce of living from every hour of my day.  Yes, I will in fact drive for an hour just to watch trains go up and down the Cajon pass. Driving time is my "thinking time." When I am there, I will bike down trails,  I will stop in on little "out of the way places," that I would never, ever see if I didn't stop in.  I will look under every rock, I will smell every rose, and I will explore the terrain.  It really is amazing when you look at the topography of the Earth, (OK, he is going over the edge,) how random things really are not!  Everything really has order, it all runs to the lowest point. Everything is going somewhere for a reason, not by chance. I have learned this by exploring the terrain.

Sunday is smile with weights at each corner.  Because as each hour passes, that weight on the smile begins to pull at each side, until that smile begins to look like a frown, because, well, tomorrow is Monday.  I can't wait to start this over again.  I'm not bragging, it's a mind set, a determination, not to simply get through my days.  Because at some point, my days will simply be through.  

At the end of my day you see, I have crammed about 7 days worth of living experiences into one, which means on average, in a week's worth of time, I figure that I have lived about 20 days worth of life experiences.  This means that even though my birth certificate says I am 44, I figure that I have crammed about 120 years or so into 44 years.  I'm shooting to live to be about 250 or so!

Is this the meaning of life? I don't know.  I do think however, that the key to life is to live.  I am reminded of a quote that I like, though I don't know who said it:  "It's not the years in your life, but the life in your years, that really matters."

I am very lucky.  The guys that I hang out with, think watching trains go up and down a mountain is really cool.  I hope they never find out that it isn't!

Isn't It A Puzzle?  That an "is" becomes a "was," and in the middle of a puddle, it can turn into a flood.  Don't let the rain come and fizzle on your muzzle, it's a puzzle that an "is" can be a "was."

If you thought that was tough, here comes the fun part:

"Is," is, until it isn't, then it was.

"Was,"  once was an "is," back when it was.

You can't go counting every second, but if you make sure that every second counts, "maybe," might be an "is" in a minute.  Have you figured this out yet?

These are not my words, but they are my words.  In other words, these are words that I try to live by.  I wish I had thunk-em.

5/02/05 A Child's Decision  "My son/daughter is 16 now, and he/she is old enough to make his/her own decisions."  I have heard this comment from several parents over the course of my coaching and teaching career.  16 seems to be the magic age, that a child is suddenly, "ready to make his or her own decisions."  Now, what do you mean by "make their own decisions?"  By making his or her own decision, do you mean final decisions?  Do you mean the decision? This needs some serious thought.  Are you giving your 16 year old the decision making power on things like:

• Do I go to school or stay home?
• Should I do my homework?
• Should I illegally obtain and consume alcohol?
• Should I wear the skirt that is too short, or the mid drift that is too high.
• Should I ware the tee-shirt with the profane message on it?
• Should I stay out later then I know is sensible?
• Should I go to a party where I know bad things are happening?

Because if you are giving them the ultimate "decision making authority," then you are selling them short.  Here is what I believe you really mean, when you decide that 16 years old is the age where a child is ready to make all of the critical decisions in their life:  "At age 16, the child has reached a new level of volatility.  You thought making them do their homework at age 8 was tough, at 16 the child can really become a monster.  What's that?  At age 8 when he/she cried and stomped their feet, you appeased them, told them they didn't have to do it?  What?  You did it for them?  Oh, I see, instead of dealing with the "kicking and stomping" you found a way for peace and harmony-how nice.

"I'm letting him make his own decisions," really translates to "he is too much for me to handle, so I will pretend to have all of my parenting together and transfer the responsibility of his actions to him."

Do we want our children to make decisions?  Absolutely!  It is healthy for a child to learn how to dress himself or herself, what to spend his or her money on, where to go and what to do on a Friday night?  Definitely! BUT ONLY WHEN YOU AGREE!

Did you take a look at your child when he/she left home for school this morning?  Did you approve of the clothes he or she was wearing?  If you did, you are sending an important message.  Do you know what clothes you child has in their drawers, because if you don't, you might be surprised.

What, she left the house dressed in an acceptable manor, but changed into questionable clothes at school in the restroom?  GOOD, that means she knows you wouldn't approve, so she decided to be sneaky, now, guess what!  The next move you make is critical because the school called home to tell you that she violated the school's dress code.  WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

Growing up means testing the waters.  Sometimes testing the waters means subtle checks on whether mom and dad really mean what they say.  Other times testing the waters is an all out assault on the family's values.  The all out assaults are very common at age 16.  Disobedience, challenging parental authority, "all out warfare!"  It can get ugly, it can be uncomfortable, what if the neighbors hear you arguing?  Open the doors, put out some chairs and charge admission!

Testing the waters.  It is their way of asking you if you are serious.  Look at what is all around them.  Television, fashion, MTV, music, peers and of course drugs.  Understand that a lot of the things you told them that "we don't do," as you raised them, clash with the things they see around them.   By testing the waters, they are just checking to make sure you believe the things you told them.  And you know what?  Every time they learn that something you told them was important, isn't anymore, it knocks down part of that foundation you supposedly built for them.  The one thing that every child should be able to fall back on is that solid foundation that was laid for them.  If that crumbles beneath their feet, they begin to free fall, not knowing what set of values they should cling to.

Decision making is a good skill to develop, but you aren't going to let them climb that mountain without a safety rope are you?

4/15/05 So Good To Hear From You-Just Click Here

A Defining Moment.  If you read this "stuff" that I write here, then it probably strikes you that I am big on those little moments that define our character.  You know, when we are just minding our business and something comes along that tests us.  I am always on guard for these in my life, I can only hope, that when my character is tested......I pass.

I was going to take my crew out for some ice cream tonight, and was delayed because one of the crew members was refusing to complete a task, (some math practice.)  Finally, it was decided, that we would go, and one of the crew members would stay because, well, you know.

A favorite activity of ours is to take our ice cream to the train station and wait for a big freight train to roar off into the night, it's a cheap thrill, but a thrill is a thrill.  I called my wife to see how the crew member who stayed home was doing-still the same, not much progress.  Little did I know that in the next couple of minutes I would be tested.

Driving by the train station, I noticed a young man sitting on the high rail of a bridge that overlooked a busy boulevard down below.  My first thought was "something about this does not look right."  I could never be so bold, I would be afraid that I might fall.  Then it occurred to me that desperation might allow a person to over come that fear of falling.  Especially if falling is what that person wanted.  

OK, the wheels in my head were really turning now, I have a very young crew member in the car with me, and I can't subject him to seeing a guy leap off a bridge to his death.  Wow, a defining moment happening to me right here, right now, (actually it's been about an hour and half now.)  I made a u-turn about a 1/2 mile up the road and decided to drive back by, you know, maybe the guy is.....or maybe he..........nobody sits up on the high rail of a bridge over a busy boulevard, there is something very wrong with this picture.  Apparently someone on a bike had rode by because the guy was now down from the high rail and just leaning over the edge looking down, still, I gotta to tell you in all of my mind, I cannot think of a possible good reason for this guy to be acting this way around a bridge.  

"Hey buddy,"  "yeah dad," a small voice from the back seat replied.  "I'm going to call 911 because there is a guy over there by the bridge, and I don't think he is feeling very well.  "OK," the same voice replied.

The police thanked me and assured me that they would send somebody over as soon as possible.  

I'm sitting in my car about 500 yards from the bridge, with a full view of the guy. About five minutes pass, and the police haven't arrived yet.

The guy climbs back up on the high rail of the bridge looking very determined.  Wow, all of this happening right in front of my eyes.  Here is the defining moment, it's right in front of me.  I'm parked far enough away, because I don't want little eyes to see things that little minds cannot understand.  I did what I am supposed to do, I saw something, and I reported it.  Good citizen Nighswonger, nothing on my conscience.....right?

Defining moment, how do you react when it is right in front of you?  Will I know what the right thing to do is?  This is what I pray about every single day, "please let me know what the right thing to do is."

That guy is going to jump off that bridge, I know it, as well as I know anything, it's right in front of me.

If I don't intervene some way, I could just sit here and watch this guy end his life.

I started my engine,  and drove toward the bridge.  Knowing full well, that I do not want to expose my child to something as horrific as a guy jumping off a bridge, I still feel that I must try something, after all, this guy is by himself, probably thinks that he is alone in this struggle of his, little does he know that his struggle has now become something of a struggle for me as well.  Slowing down, and rolling down my window, I said, "excuse me sir, excuse me sir," it took two "excuse me's" to get him to turn around.  

"Can you tell me how to get to the train station from here?"  The man turned and climbed down from the top rail of the bridge.  Now, standing on the ground next to the bridge, he mumbled something about going down the road and turning right then making another right.  He then turned his attention back to the boulevard below, which by now, I noticed the flashing lights and the fact that traffic had been blocked below to prevent cars from traveling where this guy might be jumping.

"Hey man, are you OK?"  I asked him.

"No, I'm not."  was his reply.

"You're not going to do something bad here are you?"  I asked him again, trying to use language that would defuse what was going on so that my young friend in the back seat would not become too alarmed.

I couldn't make out what his response was.

"Please don't this." was about all I could make come out of my mouth.

At that point, a police car came rolling up, and I drove along.  Watching from a distance, the officer seemed to have the situation under control.  I don't know what will become of that fellow.  He was in distress.  I hope he can get some help.

In my classes, on the pool deck, I constantly preach, being ready for these moments that define our character.  Tonight it was my turn.

You know it is kind of funny, but I have faced this situation hundreds of times before.  Oh, this is the first time that someone was literally going to jump off a bridge.  But every day, I deal with high school students who are looking for someone to talk them down from jumping off a "metaphorical bridge," such as "not doing their homework," or "wanting to drop out of school," or "not taking drugs," or not doing other destructive things. Each of these people are in a sense, sitting on the high rail of a bridge, looking for someone to talk them down.  What if I hadn't been there? 

A defining moment.

3/30/05 I Am Still Waiting To Hear From You!  Yes, I'm Talking To You!  I'd At Least Like To Know That You Are OK.-Just Click Here

You know what I like about baseball?  Everything. 

I like the fact that you get three strikes before you are out.  It's funny, but if you think about it, just about everything is based on that premise of three strikes.  Mom's going to ask you, then she is going to warn you and then.....well, you're out.

You know what else I like about baseball?  Concentration and patience.  

"Come on Mikey, throw 'em the heat, this guy's no batter, no batter, no bat-r!  Come on Jeremy stay in that ready position, do you see this batter, this guy's gonna drive it a country mile, if he gets a hold of it.  Marty, quit swatting flies and pay attention, I'm telling you this guy is a clubber.  Danny, get that glove down in front of you."  

"Oh yeah, Mikey nice pitch, way to go son.  Hey Bernie, remember you have to cover first base if the ball is hit in the infield.  Yo Antho-neee where are you gonna throw the ball if it comes to you?  Deep breath Mikey, deep breath.  Jesse that guy is gonna hit it over your head, move back three steps, Larry, keep that glove on your hand!  Talk to him Stevie, talk to him." 

"Coach, why are you such a chatter box?"

"Cause it gets a little slow out here sometimes, and I am trying to keep myself in the game."

That ball does get hit to you at some point.  It takes a lot of patience, waiting for it, but if you are concentrating, then you just might make the play that saves the day.  I live for that.

You know what else I like about baseball?  Battles.  

There are so many battles taking place all over the diamond and out there in field.  

There of course is the battle that takes place between the pitcher and the batter.

The pitcher must deal with being the center of attraction.  We all like to be the center of attraction it feeds our ego.  Then the game starts.  We all like to be the center of attraction when things are going well, like when we are throwing strikes.  Everyone wants to be the center of attraction when things are going well.  Unfortunately, we are also the center of attraction when things are not going well.  To think that my self-esteem comes down to whether it is a ball or a strike.  

"It's me versus me out here on the mound.  I sure hope I can get the better of myself."

But fear not, because the batter is facing his own demons as he stands in there, fully at the mercy of the pitcher, trusting that the pitcher would rather throw a strike, than throw directly at me.  I take my place in the batter's box.  You know what?  I don't trust him.  He looked awfully wild warming up.  I stand in there.  What kind of guy is this on the mound?  Did he have a happy childhood? Is that a tattoo on his arm? (He is only a second grader, but he looks awfully tall out there on the mound.)  

The pitcher will use every bit of intimidation, psychological warfare and meanness at his disposal to get me to back down.  "Dad used to tell me, that when I was warming up, I should throw one half-way up the back stop.  The next one should be wide to the batter's side, and then another one wide to the other side, you know, make that batter think that maybe this guy was a little dangerous.  I always told dad, that I didn't have to try to do that, it just sort of came naturally."

The right fielder has a battle all his own.  He is in right field because....well because....come on, it's right field.  

"please don't hit it to me, please don't hit it to me, please don't ....hey that's a cool looking caterpillar there, look at him moving along, inch by inch.  Where are you going Mr. Caterpillar?  Hey batter, batter, batter.  Hey batter, batter, batter, Hey .....I smell pop corn?" 

You know what else I like about baseball?  Hustling in and hustling out.  

We teach those ball players to hustle off that field on the third out.  They teach their players to hustle out to position when they get their third out.  If you want to see excitement, be there when the third out is recorded.  The team on the field sprints to the third base dugout, the runners on base sprint to the first base dugout, the dugout sprints to their positions in the field, nobody, I mean nobody, has any regard for what the other is doing.  There are some tremendous collisions that take place between innings as players hustle in and hustle out.  I always hold my breath, knowing that if there is going to be an injury, it is going to happen when we hustle in and hustle out.

You know what else I like about baseball?  Ready Position.

Ready position.  That pretty much says it all.  Ready, with your glove down, every pitch, on the off chance that the ball will be hit to you.  Not day dreaming, not thinking about anything except what I will do if the ball comes to me.

Ready position.  Ready with my guard up, every minute of every day, on the off chance that a defining moment will be placed in front of me, with my children watching, being tested on some moral or ethical grounds, knowing full well that little eyes and little ears are paying attention to every move I make, every breath I take, every pledge I break, and every vow I fake.  That's pressure. 

2/14/05 I Will Always Be Here When You Need Me-Just Click Here

2/13/05 A Fall From Grace-Suppose you did the unthinkable.  Suppose, in a moment of true human weakness you allowed the "dark side" of your character to briefly take over and just like that, you did something that you are genuinely ashamed of.  But wait, you are not the only one ashamed here, you have let your friends down, your family down,  perhaps a spouse or your child, while we are at it, lets just say you did something that has ruined your life.  The Kobe Bryant story is a fascinating example simply because here was a person that to the whole world looked like the perfect role model, husband, father, player, spokesperson etc.  Dashed on the rocks by a bad decision, (no, make that a really, really, really terrible decision.)  So here we are watching this poor guy struggle to pay for what he has done from a legal stand point, as well as from a personal and professional standpoint.

What could you do that would bring so much shame and embarrassment?  Plenty of things.  Each of us, I am sure, probably has a list of things that we each know we would never be able to recover from.  Perhaps the shame of being caught embezzling money from the company would be more than you could handle, or maybe stealing from your friends as so often happens in pyramid or "ponzi schemes."  How about if you betrayed a trust that was sacred to you?  That would be a tough one.  What if, after drinking heavily, you got into your car and killed somebody?  All of that hard work.  It takes effort to be a good person, a lifetime really, spent trying to build credibility, demonstrate strong character and in a moment.....gone. 

What next?  Do you drop out of society, become a hermit, take up residence under a bridge?  How in the world do you rebuild a lifetime of personal self discipline?  How do you try to regain some of what people knew and expected from you?  What can you do to get back to the old you that you were comfortable being?

First, I believe that every situation can be salvaged.  Oh you may have to face a punishment, maybe even go to jail, society deserves to see you punished if you did something really bad, which, for the sake of argument, lets say you did.  Second, you may never be able to get back what you had, some people simply cannot forgive, (which, by the way, is a weakness that many of us have.)  So you may have to go on with your life without some of the people you really care for.  The key for you is going to be "how do I get back to liking me?"  By the way, getting back to liking yourself will be the first step towards getting others to come back.

I believe that you pour yourself into something that is charitable.  It may not be a charity per se.  Every year during Red Ribbon Week, our school sponsors a speaker who comes to an assembly of the students and gives a talk about sobriety. The kids think of it as just one more adult telling them to "just say no," (as if it were only that simple.)  I have always admired these speakers because most of them are speaking about their own experiences.  In other words, they did the unthinkable, they killed or injured someone while they were intoxicated.

Find something that you can do to make yourself feel better about yourself.  Can you volunteer to help the elderly?  Can you work in a soup kitchen with the homeless?  Can you work on a grant to get funds to help build....a library, a playground, a 50 meter pool for your old high school, a little league field or something that will benefit the society you are trying to get back in your corner?  These are steps that you can take that will begin to repair, what a moment has undone.  Remember, you need to get back to liking yourself.

How long will it take for you to repair what has come undone?  How old are you?  It may have taken you 19 years to get to where you are now, in many ways, you may be forgiven sooner because young people make these mistakes.  If you are forty-four, it is going to take longer because you have been building a lot longer than the 19 year old.  How will you be able to face all of those people who now think of you so differently?  The simple fact is that we are all capable of making mistakes.  Losing sight of that fact is itself a big mistake.  Each day we practice doing good so that we will be able to avoid the momentary lapse when temptation comes along.  But in the event that the mistake is made, it is how you react that will ultimately define you, not the mistake itself.  In the short run, yes, the mistake will loom large in everyone's mind, but in the long term, the things you do to rebuild what is truely respect for yourself, is what people will really remember.  How long does it take to build one's character?  A lifetime, one day at a time.

2/05/05 A Victory For Our Side!  As a parent, you provide the guidance, the lessons and the tough love and then you hope that it is the right thing, at least I know that is how I do it.  A lot of blind faith if you ask me.  I am so aware and on guard for "defining moments" in my own life, you know, that moment when your character is challenged, that I really haven't given thought to the fact that my own children face "defining moments" themselves, all the time.  

Now, this is where it gets scary, because most of my moments involve things that I am used to being tested on.  My honesty, my sobriety, my sense of right and wrong, good and evil and so on.  But my children, your children, our children, they are facing these tests for the first time, and this is where parenting is tested I believe.  

Our six year old rides the bus with a ruckus group of "unbucklers."  Yes, these are people who move from seat to seat in the school bus as the bus is moving.  Certainly it is a high crime on the bus to be an "unbuckler," so I always count the moments when our six year resists the temptation to become an "unbuckler" even if the view from the other side of the bus might be a little bit better.  I wonder if "unbucklers" grow up to become "swashbucklers?"

Our eight year old has a group of other eight year olds that he hangs out with at school.  Eight year olds do funny things, like jump off swings, run in the halls and cut in lunch lines.  The other day, mischief was in the air.  Recent rains had created the perfect mud for clogging the drain of the sink in the rest room.  This was a rare opportunity to create a bath tub where once only a sink existed, a lake where only a stream once lived, an ocean where there was none.  "Are we all in?" I imagined the ring leader to say.  "No thanks," was the response of one eight year old, who had nothing but blind faith to fall back on.  Here were his friends, his group of peers and they were going to pull off the caper of the year, one that might live in the annals of 2nd Grade Lore.  He said "No thanks," having only parental guidance to fall back on.

"Mom, dad, today there were four pink slips handed out at the same time!"  Oh the dreaded pink slips.  The group got busted and sent up the river without a paddle.  A victory for our side.

Our children have defining moments every day.  This becomes more and more apparent to me all of the time. Plugging the sink for an eight year old is a high crime.  Unbuckling on the bus, a crime wave to a six year old.  But what happens five or six years from now when his friends ask him to skip school to go drinking at a friends house?  What happens when some friends want him to try pot at a party?  What does he do when his ride home is clearly drunk?  We still have many battles to fight.  Our children must see our examples, day after day.  These are our defining moments as parents.  We cannot afford to count on Blind Faith.

1/27/05 A Must Win Game  Not what you might think.  Over the years one thing I have learned to do, and do graciously, is lose.  Yes sir, if there is one thing I know how to do with class and dignity it is to walk across that pool deck or ball diamond, look that opponent right in the eye and congratulate him, (or her.) I was on some of the worst teams in the history of little league baseball, and the high school teams I played on were, well, let's just say not so competitive.  I'm OK, I learned a lot about myself from those experiences, how to be a team under adversity, how to be a good sport, blah, blah, blah.

However, as I write this, as I sit here, contemplating my next move, I am on the verge of the biggest challenge of my life. As a teacher, I have a number of students, on the verge of adulthood, who cannot or do not see the connection between school and life.  These are students, 12th graders who cannot or do not bring themselves to completing tasks, (homework,) that will make their lives far less complicated down the road.  I tell you it is so not about the homework as much as it is about the self discipline it takes to do the homework.  There it is, the secret.  It takes self discipline to sit down for thirty minutes to do something that you don't want to do.  The game as I see it, is how do I reach these semi-adults and convince them, that it is important.

It is a game that I must win.  If I win, these students learn that to do the things they really want in life, they must first set themselves up and that usually means doing some things that they don't want to do, like work.  But wait, the game is not that simple.  How do they as students, develop the self-discipline to do the things that they don't want to do, so that they can do the things that they do want to do, WHEN THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY WANT TO DO?!

Tricky game.  So, let me understand these rules, I need to convince students to do the things that they have to do, so that they can do the things that they want to do, but they don't even know what they want to do, so why doing anything at all?  

Here's how it goes.  

George, what do you like to do?  

"I don't know." 

George, I always see you reading the sports page in class, you know, when I am teaching a lesson and you are back there reading the sports page, I see you reading-right?  

"Yeah, ok, sometimes."

George, do you play sports or just watch them?

"I used to play, but now I just watch."

George, do you like to read about them, and watch them, I mean do you really, really, really, like to read about and watch them?

"Well, yeah."

George, who do think writes about sports?  Who do think the announcers are on TV or radio.  George do you ever listen to sportstalk radio?

"I listen to sportstalk radio sometimes."

THAT'S YOU GEORGE!  THAT'S YOU!  All of these people that are writing the stories you read, they travel with the teams, they talk on the radio, they announce games on TV.  George, they all started somewhere.  True, some used to play, but most played at one point, then decided they were not cut out for the actual, physical play part.  Instead, LOVING sports, they decided to pursue journalism or communications.  George, what makes that guy on the radio better than you?  How is that guy writing the sports column better than you? Why should he be there and not you?  BECAUSE THEY DID THEIR HOMEWORK, AND SAW THE CONNECTION BETWEEN COMPLETING SCHOOL AND GETTING TO WHERE THEY WANTED TO BE!

"That would be cool."

Whew, this game is too important to lose.

NEXT!

1/24/05 I Am Always On Guard  I work with a lot of people.  Good, people that I love, respect, honor and want only the best in life for.  These people are students, players, fellow teachers, fellow coaches, custodians, and support staff.  A lot of us go about our days minding our own business, but not me.  I am always on guard.  Over the years I have developed an intuition.  It is not something that I set out to do, it's rather something that just sort of dawns on me and I find that most of the time it is right.  Some folks might call this a "gut feeling," and I suppose it is.

This "gut feeling" is usually something that comes to me when I am going about my day.  It is an ability that I have to sense pain or turmoil in another person's life.  I am sure that many people, perhaps all people have this "gut feeling," but I don't know how many people are aware that they have it, want to be aware that they have it, or just plain want to know.  Well, I do.

When rain falls in a person's life, the natural thing to do is to try and hide it.  A lot of people don't want to concern others with their problems.  Sometimes, a person with a problem actually wants to hide it, because they know that their problem is something that will let someone else down.  For example, an adolescent with a drug or alcohol problem doesn't want mom or dad or coach to know, because of the fear of punishment, when in reality, these are the three best people suited to help them with their problem.  It is the same thing with an emotional trauma.  "I don't want anyone to know because I am embarrassed about what happened, even though I don't know how to deal with it."

I am always on guard for these kinds of things, especially when they involve people that I love, respect, honor and only want the best things in life for.  Typically what I observe, (I don't look for these things, because you never expect that these things are happening, you have to observe,) is a change in a personality.  A student in a class, who is always present, always has their work done, always consistent, suddenly begins to miss class on a regular basis, "forgets to do homework," etc.  A co-worker begins to slip and thinks they are covering it up by applying excuse after excuse.  A loved one undergoes a drastic change in behavior.  People that are dealing with these kinds of situations think they are on top of their problem because they believe that they are internalizing it.  The tell-tale sign is the excuse and the drastic change in personality.  

I am always on guard, and always available to you.

1/24/05 "How You Doing Today?"  I was startled by the outgoing voice coming from behind the check stand as I methodically worked the ATM machine at the AM-PM the other morning.  "I am fantastic," I replied with equal enthusiasm, and then returned with, "how are you doing today?"

"Oh, I am hung over man.  I mixed alcohols last night."  This comment drawing my attention from the ATM machine, I fired a glance at the gentleman in his early 20's behind the counter.  His "Picasso-istic appearance" told me that yes in deed, this man was hung over.  

"Was it worth it?"  I asked him in a sympathetic voice, trying not to speak too loud,

"No, man," he said.  "It never is."

"I hear you brother," was all I could come up with as I left the store.

I suppose people really do live this way.  I am always shocked in this day and age that people really do this to themselves.  Wow.

1/06/05 What Do You Tell Them?  I was commissioned to pick up French bread on my way home from work last night, so I stopped by the local big name grocery store.  I picked up my loaf and felt good because I would be able to go to the express line, and I had a couple of dollars in my pocket so I would be able to get through without too much trouble.  Off course the person ahead of me had 11 items or some issue that slowed the express line, so with that my attention turned to the tabloids.

As I read about who was having an affair with who, and how you can please you lover and so on, I became aware that a mother and here mid-teenage son were now in line next to me.  She dispatched him to pick up some ice cream, and I realized we were now probably reading the same headlines and without even really thinking about it, I said, "what do you tell them?"  I said,  "I mean, I have an eight year old and a six year old and they are both reading, I am living on borrowed time before I have to explain to them what your man really wants in bed." 

Her comment to me was quite astonishing, but I suppose predictable,  "Gee, all of these years and he's never said anything."

OF COURSE HE'S NEVER SAID ANYTHING, HE'S EMBARRASSED AS HELL!  I'm embarrassed just knowing that this young man is standing next to me in the grocery line reading the same tabloid titles that I am.

I've got news for you, not only is he embarrassed, not wanting to ask you about it, he is also very self-conscious, insecure, uncomfortable, mortified and humiliated.  He is not going to ask you!

But he wants to know.  He wants to know if people really live this way.  He wants to know if you think this is the way people are supposed to live. He wants to know because he is still trying to figure all of this out.  If you are waiting for him to ask you, then fear not, he is not going to ask you.

He needs you to say something.  He needs you to reaffirm the family's stand on those "tabloid lifestyles."  Something like, "that's not the way we do it in our family" or "it's there because that kind of stuff sells magazines," or that's not what real love is all about at all."  Break the ice, make him feel safe, this is such an awkward stage of growing up, no pressure, just you talking about values and the things you believe in.  It doesn't have to be some heavy duty lecture thing, just let him know he's ok.  What a relief it is to know you are ok.

As for the tabloids.  Everywhere I go, I am besieged, as are you.  I don't even want to talk about television.  When it is my turn to take the boys to the grocery store, I survey each check stand and look for the line that has the least dirt, because I know some day very soon, my young readers will read something and want me to explain it.

12/28/04 I Am Not A Role Model.  I will never forget the day that I read these comments, attributed to basketball player, Charles Barkley.  While often taken out of context, (Barkley was trying to explain to an interviewer that parents should not direct children to do what the pros do, they should, the parents, should be the role models.)  

The comments of course, were plastered all over the new papers and they were dissected every direction you can imagine.  Even to this day, Barkley, now a television commentator still has to explain himself.

It does however, cause us to think about who the role models in our society have to be.  Contrary to what Mr. Barkley might think, as a professional basketball player, he accepts a lot of money for the job he does, did.  In exchange for all of the money and media attention, he is obligated to live up to the standards of society.  Does he have to raise my children?  No.  But, does he have to refrain from charging into the audience on national television and starting a riot, that could have injured many people?  Yes.  Does he need to make sure that things he does in his personal life do not spill out all over the tabloids, revealing a side of him that we don't know?  Yes.  I am sorry, but for all of that money, the professional athlete owes his or her public the debt of living a clean lifestyle.  Affairs, drug abuse, violent activity, gangster lifestyles are out.  They just are.

Why?  Because, whether you want to be or not, you, are a role model.  If you have that kind of exposure, that kind of influential position, that much play before the cameras and of course that kind of pay check, you owe society more than just your taxes.  You owe society the debt of being a positive role model.

I Am A Coach.  Not just at the pool, not just in the class room, but everywhere.  If players of mine or students of mine walk into a restaurant and see me pounding beers and carrying on, doesn't that diminish the lessons that I try to teach?  You bet it does.  That is why you won't walk into a restaurant see me doing this. Do I give up the right to party in public when I become a coach and teacher?  In mind, yes I do.

I Am A Parent. Ditto.  If drugs and alcohol are bad for my children, how do I explain my use of them?  I don't.  And I mean, I don't use them.

I Am A Senior In High School. Wait a minute, a high school senior needs to be a role model?  Yes.  In a perfect world, each person would be a role model to the person directly subordinate to them.

I Am A Big Brother.  You guessed it, little brothers and sisters look at what big brothers and sisters do.  If you don't want little bro or little sis to do what you are doing....DON'T DO IT!

The older I get, the more amazed I am at how important the role of being a model person is.  It's vital, it's the most important thing.

You don't want to be a role model?  Then you need to give up whatever position you are in.  Basketball player?  You need to give it up and become anonymous. The Ricky Williams story is tragic, although at some level I can respect what he has done.  Having tested positive to drugs for a third time, he quit football.  They would have suspended him, but he wouldn't have to give up his millions.  Instead, he walked away from it, saying that he didn't want to be exposed to the questions he would have to answer.  Teacher?  Same thing, you have to walk away.  Parent?  Well, you can't walk away from that...maybe there is a basketball player out there who can help you.

Side Note-Everyone makes mistakes.  I am not suggesting that you be banished to some remote island if you should fail in your job as a role model.  Failing is part of the human condition.  We all fail at this some times.  Responding is how your leadership will be measured.  If you fall down, get up.  There is always time to be leader.  I am always impressed at the school assemblies by the person who was a drunk driver, trying to reach our youth about the dangers of driving drunk, by talking about their own difficult stories.  Again, nobody is perfect, but using your mistakes to make sure that others don't repeat them is a good way of being a role model.

12/24/04 "Dad, If I Had A Period In My Name" Awareness of letters and words is having an impact on our six year old. "Dad, if I had a period in my name I would be a sentence."  I would still love you.  "But I wouldn't be Hayden, I would be a sentence."  Yes, but you would be my special sentence.

"Dad, I just heard the E word on TV."-The "E-word?" I didn't know there was an E word.  "You know dad, ugly."  Oh, that E-word. Actually, little buddy, that is a U word.  "Oh, you mean the U is silent?"

The beat goes on.

12/21/04 A Lesson In Everything-I got a e-mail from a former player who has the nerve to read this blog and is away at college (don't worry Kyle, I won't tell anyone who you are.) In the e-mail he expressed the pain and misery of getting his first F.  Ah, the F. F's have a way of sneaking up on us and reminding us that we are human, prone to the short comings associated with being a human.  There is never a good time for an F, but an F is a wake up call.  

It made me recall my Freshmen year at Whittier College.  I had a Statistics course with several of my water polo playing buddies, (a dangerous recipe.)  I nailed a B on the first mid-term and assumed I was home free.  I failed the next mid term and apparently the final exam as well because when I went to check my semester grade, there it was-F.  That was an expensive lesson. I made it right by taking the course that next summer, paid for by some long hours in the sweat shop of a hardware store that I worked in, and I got a B+, clearly a measure of what I was capable of.

An F in a class at school is disheartening, perhaps just a precursor to the misery that is possible when you fail something really important in life.  An F in a relationship with a spouse, a parent or sibling would be devastating.  An F as a parent is unthinkable, though it happens all of the time.

It again reminds me what the purpose of school is.  School pushes us, it organizes us, it causes us to not take things for granted.  Not just classes, but important things.  My F in that Statistics class in college, just as I am sure Kyle's F does, (oops, sorry about that Kyle,) reminds us that we are not bullet proof.  I can remember feeling invincible at one point in my life.  I felt like I was King Of The World.  That F in statistics shook me to my senses and I relearned what I already knew.  I must never take anything for granted, if I want the effort to represent me, than I should make a representative effort and finally, that I when I do fail, the mark of a true failure is to give up.  "Winners never quit and quitters never win"-something like that.

Yes, an F is a great wake up call.  Expensive, a blow to the old ego, but not shameful.  Kyle, (shoot, did it again,) get back on the horse and pass that class, but oh yeah, you pay for it this time.

12/20/04 Driving Defines Your Character-Mom always told me that you can judge a person by the way they drive....Think about the people you know who are inpatient, rude, obnoxious, (hey, I don't count here, I am the one writing this.)  

The person who will cut you off in traffic, perhaps even endangering your life, is a person who doesn't take the thoughts, feelings or well-being of others into account when he/she gets behind the wheel.  Do you expect this person to be a kind, generous, person when they are not driving.  Oh sure, that person is capable of being nice and even pleasant, but what is that person's true nature?

The thing that is disturbing about selfish drivers is that it tends to make others around them selfish in their driving as well.  Over my years at Sunny Hills High School, the parking lot has always been an excellent study.  Folks here will cut you off, merge into your merge so that you can't merge, double park where ever and when ever they feel like it, and more.  It has become, (over the years, not just recently,) a haven for selfishness.   In order to survive the parking lot, and all of the blatant meanness that one can experience while trying to go to work or drop a child off at school, one must develop a commando mentality, a survival of the fittest mind set. It's every coach for himself......

I became aware of what this was doing to me in the mornings so about 12 years ago I decided that I would arrive two hours before peak morning traffic.  It has meant getting less sleep, but I am a nicer person for it.

12/17/04 Good Grief!-The other day one of our water polo players wore a Charley Brown shirt into the weight room with Brown's classic line, "Good Grief." I hadn't seen or heard that comment in a long time so it brought a chuckle to me.  After a few seconds of reflection it occurred to me that grief is really a feeling of sorrow brought on by some form of adversity.  Thinking further, (starting to get dangerous now,) I wondered where the concept of "good grief" could have come from.

Not having a sense of where this might have come from, I have decided to put my own rub on the phrase and to describe what this means to me. (Are you surprised?)

The death of someone, the self realization that you fell short of what you were attempting to do.  A realized short coming, a failed business dealing, or a failed relationship often produce some of the worst feelings of grief that a person can deal with.  As humans, we are frail when it comes to dealing with large amounts of grief because grief can ware us down and can consume us, it sucks the life from us, it depresses us and sometimes blinds us from what grief really is.

One of my favorite quotes, (Henry Kaiser,) goes like this:  "Problems are opportunities in work clothes."

This captures the essence of what grief is to me.  Grief will always present you with two ways to deal with it.  On one side, there is deep depression, helplessness and the feeling of desperation that you simply cannot go on.  I am not about to say that this is easy.  In fact many of the strongest people I know need help with grief sometimes.  Grief can be a deep valley that one can not see out of, it can be total darkness.

On the other side however, grief presents us with a chance to grow. Facing the death of a loved one presents the most painful grief that I have ever experienced, yet in grieving I was able to gain a lot of personal strength from watching these loved ones battle day after day.  Seeing someone you know and love deal with their adversity makes your own little sorrows, "grief's" seem much more trivial and certainly easier to deal with.  We become stronger.

There is always going to be two ways to respond to a set back.  There will be the "poor me," approach, which should be expected in moderation.  It is simply a part of the human condition to react that way initially when grief arrives.  And there is the "good grief" approach.  Using the adversity to grow stronger either spiritually our emotionally.  

It occurs to me that a person's character is shaped by the way they deal with set backs.  Anyone can be a good winner.  Winning is fun, winning strokes the ego, winning is good.  However if you really want to see a person's true identity.  If you want to know what that person is really like.  Be around when they are dealing with a set back.  That is their true defining moment.

So, we don't have to welcome it.  We don't have to go looking for it, (it has a way of finding us,) and we shouldn't go out of our way to create it.  But having a sense of being able to get up off of the mat, dust ourselves off and look our adversity straight in the eye, we can certainly put it to good use.  Good Grief.

12/16/04 What Grounds Me?-We all have things that we do that keep us sane.  I think of these kind of things as things that keep me "grounded."  You know, the kind of things that if I didn't have them, I might float away, captured by some wayward trade wind or ocean current.  As humans, we all have things that drive us, well, crazy.  Most of us are able to remain at least sane on the outside because we have figured out strategies to overcome that which makes us looney.  I am reminded of a Seinfeld episode, (show I used to watch, before children and Viagra commercials,) in which several of the characters learned to chant "serenity now," whenever they were faced with situations that overwhelmed them.  It was of course silly, that a simple phrase could get them over their funk, (in fact it was revealed later in the show, that the full phrase was serenity now.....insanity later.)

Do you know what grounds you?  I think it is important to first identify that which can push you over the deep end.  For me, there are a number of things that push me.  I can't stand to be late.  I mean, I need to be 15 minutes early to being 15 minutes early in order to feel comfortable.  I have often told my wife that if she ever wanted to get me, she could do it slowly but surely by stalling us as we get ready to leave for errands, holiday engagements, days out with the boys, anything really.  You, know, just decide as we are getting ready to go that she needs to pop back into the house to get jackets, or extra snacks or.....hey, come to think of it.......wait a minute.  

Being aware of what twists you is a big step towards dealing with these frustrations.  I am always on patrol for other things that may be working to unravel me.

So what grounds me?  What helps me deal with my phobia?  Rye Bread.  That may be insanity in and of itself, be I am aware that I am drawn to rye bread, because it soothes me.  OK, I have poured myself out here, so everyone who is now laughing, you just keep saying "serenity now," and I will have some rye toast, or a sandwich with rye bread.  I still hate to be late, and I don't just have a piece of rye bread when I am late, but during the course of my day, I find that rye bread really settles me down.

Some folks see a glass of wine in much the same way that I see a sandwich with rye bread.  It settles us, it soothes us, it grounds us.

What grounds you?

12/14/04 Isn't It A Puzzle-"Isn't it a puzzle that an is will be a was, and in the middle of a drizzle, it can turn into a flood.  Don't let the rain go and fizzle on your muzzle, it's a puzzle that an is can be a was."

"Is, is, 'til it isn't, then it was.  Was, once was an is, back when it was."

"You can't go countin every second, but if you make sure that every second counts, Maybe might be an is in a minute, can you figure that out?"

-This is not original, I don't even know who wrote it, but it is an inspiration to me.

12/12/04 Television-I was reminded recently why my family tries to avoid every channel on the television except for KCET.  It has been weeks since 
ABC pulled off their Monday Night Football stunt, (partially nude women attempts to seduce a football player in the opening of the show, to promote a show, which I won't  promote here.)  I wasn't watching that particular week but I sure could have.  Although they apologized, ABC got the desired affect of the stunt and that is that all of the radio shows, all of the water cooler discussions on Tuesday morning, and all of the morning TV shows made a big issue out of it.  It is well known that any discussion involving a show is good.  Even if it is about how bad a show is, folks will tune in to see how bad it is.  So to have millions of people talking about the opening of the show, was great publicity.  The concept:  Love it / hate it, but watch it.  

Television executives understand their media and they know exactly how to create demand.  They did it this time, and they did it potentially at my children's expense.  Again, I dodged that one because we weren't watching but we could have been.

We also could have been watching, (but again, were not,) when Janet Jackson's famous "equipment malfunction" occurred during last year's family oriented Super Bowl half time.  Ms. Jackson knows better then anyone, what will gain publicity and she let it fly.

Now, I have a new one to watch out for, and for crying out loud, if the sexual performance industry ever figures out that middle aged dads are watching Arthur and Sesame Street with their children, I may have to deal with Viagra or Cialis advertisements in the middle of my children's shows.

On guard.  That's what we have to be.  I don't think there is a minute where I can safely leave the room when the TV is on to use the bathroom, that is pressure.